less fun

While we had a great, refreshing trip, we returned to an unsettling development for Augie. At first I thought my own eyes were fooling me. I'd seen his eyes flicker and jump a couple times, so fast that I wasn't really sure what I was seeing. I tried to explain it to Josh, but without any ability to get Augie to do it on command, he was left wondering what in the world I was talking about. When I googled "eyes jumping back and forth" (I resisted the urge to search "signs that my child is possessed by an evil spirit"), I ended up reading all about nystagmus, a rather unsettling condition without many treatments and with little real understanding. When Josh finally witnessed an episode on Monday evening, he agreed that we should take Augie into the pediatrician on Tuesday. And the pediatrician—whom we really like—confirmed my internet diagnosis. Unfortunately, he's unable to guess at the cause for Augie's condition. It could be an issue with his optic nerve. It could be a sign of a larger neurological problem. It could connect to a problem with his ears. It could be a benign neurological blip. We just don't know at this point. We're seeing a pediatric ophthalmologist on Monday and we've been told that she'll likely order an MRI to check the optic nerve. Over the last couple days, I've realized that his nystagmus is predictable. It happens just when he starts nursing and especially when he's tired. I'm not sure how to interpret that,  but it's reassuring that there's a discernable pattern. A friend has suggested that maybe he's just really excited to eat (and as the pediatrician said, "doesn't look like that kid's missed many meals"). 

No matter the diagnosis, this episode has been my first real foray into maternal worry. There have been two nearly sleepless nights in which I've tried to think of career options for a wobbly-eye guy who can't read very well. Pretty quickly I decided that Augie would have to be a musician...but then I remembered that he's almost guaranteed to be tone-deaf like his parents. So then I tried to think of careers in which sunglasses are permissible: surfer, movie producer, west coast loafer, turf grass maintance man, beatnik, flaneur. Then I realized that most of those aren't careers and was really worried. I had visions of him wandering the streets. It wasn't pretty. 

So I've tried not to let myself go there. Instead, I'm focused on his smiles and his babbling. We've also perfected the side-lying napping & eating combo (we call it "getting hooked up to the IV"). We'll have answers soon enough and we'll take it from there. I have no idea how I'll survive his teenage years. Valium, maybe.